The unbearable weight of loss in childhood
A child’s heart can hardly fathom the devastation of losing a parent. Such profound pain exceeds our body, mind, and soul’s capacity, burying itself deep until we are ready to confront it head-on. This reckoning can arrive 10, 20, or even 40 years after our parent’s passing. We grow up with an awareness of loss, but the true anguish remains hidden in the shadows. When it finally surfaces, it strikes us with overwhelming force, bringing us to our knees as we relive the terror, anger, and sheer despair.
We were merely children facing the unimaginable, forced to navigate life without our parent. As adults, we look around and feel immense sorrow for our realities. It feels like living in two worlds: one visible and one unseen. The harsh realization that we belong to an exclusive club of those who lost a parent young hits hard. We reflect on our upbringing, our struggles in school, adolescence, relationships, and careers. We are brought low once more, realizing we must sit with our grief and heal. There is no escape from this pain. As children, we lacked the support, care, and comfort we desperately needed. Now, all we yearn for is to heal. To sit with our grief, to be seen, understood, and loved.
It’s a sobering journey as we grapple with unfinished business. Who am I? What are my values? Where do I belong? Many of us missed out on the privilege of being guided into adulthood and discovering our uniqueness. Instead, our development froze at the time of our parent’s death. Some of us stepped up to raise siblings and care for the surviving parent; others found themselves in foster care or with relatives. Survival mode became our Norm. Our grief had no place, so it went underground. No one asked, “How are you today?”—not teachers, family friends, neighbors, or aunts. We became the forgotten mourners, struggling to make sense of our lives and the path ahead.
When grief emerges from the underworld to face us, we recognize it has been with us every moment since that fateful day we buried our parent. Now, we sit with its companions: anger, guilt, fear, rage, sadness, and hopelessness. They come and go, while we seek help or embrace solitude. We cry, scream, or remain silent, now having options and choices denied to us as children. We begin to honor our loved ones and speak their names openly. No longer must we hide our feelings or memories of our deceased parent.
For one truth remains: as long as we draw breath, we will love and grieve our departed parent.
Have you experienced similar feelings of immense pain, sadness, or waves of grief?
2 Comments
Such true words. I am now 57 and lost my Mum aged 12. Those words that ‘children adapt so quickly’ is one I have grown to detest as such rubbish. As children we just hide it and bury so deep so be what grown ups want us to be. I have never had counselling or any iota of help and the pain has just got worse not better.
It is wonderful to read such truth and words that sum up the reality. Thank you.
Beautifully written. This totally describes my experience ❤️