On Loss of Innocence
When death visits a family and claims a parent, a child’s innocence is lost forever. The child transitions into a small adult, losing the liberties associated with childhood. Childhood becomes a distant memory. We come to understand that there is no clear division between life and death. They are the same; one moment present, the next gone, as if by magic. However, it is an ongoing horror from which we awaken daily.
While death is inevitable for all, it is incredibly tragic when a child must bury a parent. How can the young mind process death when their own life has just begun? With the loss of innocence comes new wisdom. We learn that nothing in life is guaranteed; safety becomes an illusion. Standing before a casket containing your parent, you confront the stark reality that safety is non-existent. Gazing at the casket in terror, you hope your parent will awaken, believing they are merely asleep. As the casket is lowered and those around gasp for breath, the permanence of this loss becomes evident. Will they ever return? I fervently hoped my father would come back.
At seven years old, I could not grasp the finality of death. I dissociated during the funeral and in the days that followed, fabricating a dream world where my father would someday return, and our family would be whole again. This hopeful dream became a firm belief that I clung to until my teenage years, when I had to confront the harsh truth: my father was not coming back.
The reality check was difficult. Visits to the cemetery became unbearable. The word “final” acquired new gravity. Is this plot truly his final resting place? I observed my mother, who had valiantly tried to save his life, now worn out, meticulously cleaning his headstone and removing weeds. His death shattered her.
I found life challenging and was struggling with my existence. Thoughts of self-harm occupied my mind. However, feeling unable to share my feelings with my mother, I began journaling to express my emotions and manage my grief.
Have you experienced similar feelings of loss of innocence?
4 Comments
Oh dear! Yes, wasn’t it such a dark place? We had nowhere to go with our grief! We suffered in total silence and suppressed our fears and worries. I am deeply sorry you had to emotionally caretake. I so can relate to this feeling of being burdened at such a young age. I also was afraid to lose my mom, and hypervigilance is one of my character traits. I had deeply longed for Daddy to come back and felt devastated to find out that he will never return! I was truly depressed as a teenager! We have so many emotions to process forever and I hope this community provides the safe space we all deserve!! Hugs, Hissi
Hi
I didn’t go to my Dad’s funeral, I am not sure why but my mum thought it best that me and my brothers didn’t go. I also couldn’t process the fact he had died, and imagined maybe it was a dream and he would come back at some point. In my teens I started to accept and process it more. But had no one to speak to about this and probably have carried the grief quietly since then.
I relate to what you said also about becoming an emotional caretaker for your surviving parent. Probably afraid and hyper-vigilant that she could go too. Seeing my mum openly devastated and crying in a heap. I was also told off by my older brother for not supporting her more, which made me feel guilty and resentful. It was lonely and dark place.
Thank you so much for the blog. Xx
Your words resonate so much and make me feel less alone. Thank you
I am SO GLAD these words resonate with you, Malcolm! It is so hard for us to express all our current and past feelings as we navigate life without our parent since childhood!!! Thank you for being here!